Posted by: hockeygrl1 | March 23, 2011

This week will be a busy week for me. There are only 2 weeks until Cassie’s first dance competition of the year so we will be at dance 4 days this week. That’s a lot for me to take so please forgive me if I’m bitchy. Also, I am in pain so touching me is not an option. Please control your need to hug me since hugs hurt right now.

I had an eye opening about my pain this weekend. I never thought this pain was fibromyalgia as stated in an earlier post. But after seeing a picture of the pain points, I know that’s what it is. The only points I don’t have pain in are at the top of my shoulders and the ones right under my butt cheeks. So feel free to grab my butt 🙂 I did get to speak to my doctor on Monday and she is just pissed about what happened last week. We are going to up the Cymbalta and amitriptyline to battle the pain (NO PAIN PILLS). I’m not on pain pills at my request. I don’t think that’s the right way to deal with this. I might be a little bitchy and I’m getting a headache from clenching my teeth, but I can deal with it. Pain also makes it hard to focus. I jump from thing to thing faster than a kid with ADHD. I’m sure this is enhanced by the roids.

By blood pressure is not under control again. It’s 150/98 right now. We get to up that medication again too. Lupus likes to inflame everything and inflammation for me seems to equal high blood pressure. HBP also negatively effects your kidneys and that’s not what I need right now. They are not going to get any better, but we don’t need them getting any worse.

My doctor and I have an ongoing joke about stress and lupus because we all know that stress makes lupus worse. She jokes about me having a job and says that it will be less stress. I hope that is true someday. I don’t go to my doctor because she is nice, I go because she knows what the hell she is talking about. She tells me how it is and does not sugar coat it. I do often leave in tears because she doesn’t say what I want. Like remission = feeling better. She tells the truth. The truth with lupus is hard to take. No one wants to hear that they will never feel better.

Today was stressful. Mom and dad had a big blow out again. I don’t know what started it but in the middle of the fight dad said, “You are letting people take advantage of you.” Mom must have assumed he was talking about me and said, “We agreed Ann could move in with us.” I guess she forgot Jason lives here with them too. (He’s 30 and jobless) Dad stepped up and fired back, “Not Ann, she pays rent and buys food. Jason. He buys drugs and cigarettes with the money we give him.” To that mom replies, “It’s only pot.”

Now I know there may be medical uses for marijuana, but it’s not legal in MN yet and they want me to be careful about what I write on here in case a potential employer figures out that hockeygrl1 is his sister. Maybe he shouldn’t do these illegal things! I don’t see why people do things and then after the fact, don’t want others to know. Maybe you shouldn’t do those things in the first place then!

Yes, I feel like the ugly step-daughter! I stay here so my kids can have “things”. You know, extra money for Cassie’s dance and Brandon’s Xbox live and internet gaming. Now my only defender has left and is up north at his sisters house.

I went through the torture of helping Jason with a resume and cover letter today. How the hell in this day do you not have one ready? I’m not looking for a job because I’m sick, but I have 3 versions saved and up to date. He’s been looking for jobs since December! My family is backwards and this is my only way to vent.

I just want to cry. I feel like crap. My exhaustion is out of control again, yet I can’t get comfortable because I hurt everywhere. Dad was the only one, other then my kids, that noticed when I felt worse. I think mom is still living in the denial stage and thinks if she ignores it, it will go away. She needs therapy.  Really, for a while, I thought that I was getting better and was going to be able to go back to work. I was getting stronger and could manage a whole day without a nap. Now, I’m back to the beginning, like before I knew I was sick. I’d come home from work and turn on the news and fall asleep sitting on the couch.

I’m not publishing this to Facebook anymore because if word got back to mom or Jason, I’d get yelled at even though this is all true. They think we need to hide our ugly secrets and I’m not being mistreated even if mom made me sound like I’m using her today. It sure sounds like a good idea…. Kick out the sick kid that is giving us money, keep the deadbeat that doesn’t have a job and his new wife was talking about quitting her part time one today because of the weather. She drives 10 miles and she didn’t start work until 4pm. LAZY!

I know I should move out, but thinking about all that work, it’s just not going to happen. So for now, this is my outlet and you get to hear all about my hell!


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