Posted by: hockeygrl1 | April 5, 2011

Help

I’ve been walking the fine line of doing enough and doing too much for a few years now and I’m sure that confuses my family and friends. One side of me wants to go back to pre-lupus (pre knowing I had lupus) and being and doing it all. The other side knows this can never be. That second side of me knows that I need help, yet it’s the hardest thing I’ve needed to do since being sick.

I know now why, but I have this thought that if I ask for help, I’m a failure. Do I know this is not true? Of course. It’s all about me being the oldest of 3 kids and a Virgo; you know the whole quick learner/over achiever/type A personality, that’s me.

Help seems like a four letter word to me. Yeah, I think it’s harder to ask for help then to take my meds and deal with all the side effects or even to any of the painful tests I’ve endured. It’s even harder than getting chemo.

Why is this? What is wrong with me?

Maybe it’s because if I ask for help or need help, I’m admitting I’m sick. It’s like the realization and acceptance of it is too final for me. I know I’m not my diagnosis, it’s just a part of me, but right now it feels like it’s my whole world.

I guess everyone needs a little help sometimes….

Help – I’ve had and have people who take advantage of my help and I’m afraid that they will see me in the same light. You know…. Have people talk behind your back saying you are faking it or just trying to get attention. Who would want to have lupus as bad as I do with as many systems involved? No one, but can anyone who doesn’t have lupus this bad understand what I’m going through? No, so I deal with my family thinking I’m not that bad off and that I really don’t need help or that I really can keep up with them all day.

Slowly I’m beginning to realize that asking for help doesn’t mean that you are helpless or that you’re not superwoman, it means your are human. No matter how healthy you are, you’re not an expert in everything. You will always need help and should not be afraid to ask for it.

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Responses

  1. I am sorry to hear of your condition. I have been diagnosed with Rehumatoid Arthritis and during that testing they checked for Lupus too. It’s a reall scary situation to know things are just going to get worse in the future know matter what. I am taking drugs to slow the disease down as I’m sure you are too, but the damage keeps on coming. I hope we can both keep going in the best way we can for as long as possible, some days I’m pretty pissed off and worn down so I started my first blog about a week ago to discuss trying to be positive with all this going on. I hope to be able to chat back and forth with you since we have similar issues we can both understand. Family tries, but as you know it really takes going through it to “get it”.
    Melissa “positivelyvogel 67”

    • That’s why I started to blog to. It is hard to be positive all the time, but reaching out to others does help. There is a big community on twitter and facebook as well. One of my favorite website/blogs is http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/ Christine explains our invisible illnesses so well and it helps for family and friends to read it. I’m glad to communicate with you!


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