Posted by: hockeygrl1 | November 12, 2011

I’m Scared…

I’m scared.

It’s not the first time this has happened, but it is fear. I don’t know if I really should be scared or if I’m making a big deal about nothing. I am a pretty tough cookie. High tolerance for pain and I’ve done a lot on my own. But…

I’m scared.

I wonder…. I just keep thinking….. It’s that little voice in my head going crazy. I want it to shut up!!!!

I’m scared.

You see, I’m taking a big step. It’s scary. It’s the first time since my diagnosis. I don’t want to fail, I want to have fun. I want to go all day with the others. I don’t want to fail.

I’m scared….. I leave for New York City in a week. I’m going with my daughter and 30+ other dance moms, dads, and dancers. I want to go everywhere they do and just be ‘normal’, but I’m scared I will crash. I really don’t want to spend my whole vacation in the hotel room. I want to wonder the city and see everything that I’ve only seen on TV.

Living with Lupus has been hard for me. All this trying to figure out how much I can do and learning what I can’t do is stressful, sad and disappointing. Imagine deciding to drop kick a soccer ball. No big deal right. I tried it and I tore my Achilles tendon.  I’m only 39. I shouldn’t have trouble with simple things; things everyone takes for granted. I took stuff for granted until this illness decided to attack my body. (Yes, I had hints of it earlier, but not like now) I did it all and with little sleep. I never thought my health would be an issue.

Now Lupus has taken over. I’m tired, cold, sore, stiff, dry, and forgetful. All at the same time!!! God, I hope I don’t get lost because I forgot the way!! I can totally see it now…. Texting the other moms for help.

I’m scared.

Scared to find out if I can do it or not. This is a big test. I think if it goes well I might try a part-time job. That is also scary. How do I tell an employer that I may need a rest or that I need covers on the fluorescent lights? I would never have thought of these things before, but now, I have to.  Am I going to be the employee everyone hates because I’m sick often? They will hate me and my hand sanitizer and Lysol any how. I have enough going on, I don’t need their colds.

This trip is important to me and I’m scared that if I don’t do it now, I may never get to do it. With Lupus you never know how long you will have good days. I really don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow. I can do things so it is hopefully good, but even than, it may not be possible. I’m scared that I may lose my life to Lupus and this may be the only time I get to see my baby dance in NYC. It’s her dream to be on the big stage there in NYC. (She knows she has a long way to go) I want to see her smiling face there in Herald Square.

So, yea, I’m scared of what next week will bring, but I’m going to take the challenge. It’s just one more hill for me to climb. I’ve climbed some pretty big ones already. So NYC watch out…. We’re coming to visit!!

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